Being in the Now V

Today was planned to be productive but apparently destined to be a day of rest. Sometimes what we plan and what we need are not the same. I could feel guilty about my 4 hour nap that was a result of falling asleep during my 30 meditation session or I could say "I must have really needed that, thanks be to the Creator for making it happen!" I choose the no guilt approach! But NOW I must pay...

Right NOW...

I am sitting at a desk with papers stacked up so high they will no longer stay upright

The breakfast table is smattered with books, clothes, wal-mart bags and sunscreen from the weekend, waiting to be put away

The bar is covered with bathroom cleaner, windex and febreeze (that did not see the light of day today)

The living room floor is covered with toys, kid's pajamas and an occasional piece of dog food that was not up to Mojo's standards

It's 2:17, almost time to pick up the kids from school even though it seems like I just dropped them off

Nico is barking to get back inside because the cicadas are so numerous in our woods that it hurts his ears to be out there

There are two cute little kittens squeezed against the front of the refrigerator, asleep in the warm air that's coming out

I have calluses on my left hand that I have finally developed over 2 weeks of excruciating "playing through the pain"

I have nothing to cook for dinner and no gas in the car

I feel completely behind on everything, yet completely at peace

Right NOW, I refuse to let what I did not do dictate the success of today. What I did do was productive, just not as visibly productive as what I had planned. I rested. That's right, I said it! REST is a four letter word in this house. My partner was never allowed it growing up. I was allowed too much of it. To much dream time. The world continues to spin, I continue to breathe in and out and the wind blows, the sun rises and sets. What matters is not that which I fail to do. What matters is who I love, how I love and how much energy I have to love. Everything else will fall into the place where it belongs...eventually!

A broad margin of leisure is as beautiful in a man's life as in a book. Haste makes waste, no less in life than in housekeeping. Keep the time, observe the hours of the universe, not of the cars. ~Henry David Thoreau

BURNOUT

All of the sudden, my cup runneth over and not with love but with stress. One word for it...burnout. According to my text book from the class from hell that I just finished, Pychology of Adjustment, burnout can be caused by one or more of the following: 1) role conflict 2) role overload 3) role ambiguity. People with role conflict issues are pulled in too many different directions. Everyone wants a piece of their time until there is none left for mental and physical renewal. People with role overload issues take on too many responsibilites due to the inability to say no and desire not to disappoint. People pleasing. People with role ambiguity issues have no idea what is expected of them so that they burnout trying to be all things to all people.

I plead guilty to all three counts as would most women I know if they were honest about it. I have heard people say "oh what a luxury it is for you to not have to work outside the home". Really? It sure doesn't feel luxurious. I'm exhausted from a never ending and ridiculous list of to-do's for which not only is there no financial compensation, but there is also no appreciation or sense of accomplishment (mostly because before the work is even finished someone is undoing it in my wake). What? Oh, I sound bitter? Well, maybe I am bitter. Why don't we expect the same type of consideration from others that we extend to them? I have no good answer for this question. Good girls don't make a fuss. Well, ok. I'm not a good girl then. Here's the truth:

We allow people to decide what we are to do with our time. Why do we allow this? Are we more comfortable as martyrs than as assertive people in control of their own lives? My role conflicts are probably the biggest problem. I am a mother, a wife, a band leader, a student, a housekeeper, a cook, an errand runner, an administrative assistant for Carlos's business typing estimates etc. as needed, an animal caretaker for 2 dogs, 4 cats and a horse, and a nurse maid to all who are sick within my realm. I'm tired. Seriously. A vacation, you say? With what money and with what time?

So which roles get the axe? Well...

My role overload (the very cause of the above stated role conflicts) is my own fault. It is my nature to want to solve problems for people not to mention that I like to be of value to people.

I'm a mother and I'm a good one, despite my own complaints about how ridiculously taxing a task motherhood is that most of you have heard me voice. As my mom says, "it wouldn't be so hard if you weren't trying to do such a good job." Motherhood is a role that is non-negotiable and one that takes the majority of my time and energy.

Also, I'm a wife. What does that mean? I'll let you fill this blank in for yourselves, another non-negotiable role nonetheless.

Also, I am a band leader. Aha! Finally a role where I get to put my gifts to work. Too bad it's a negotiable role.

Also, I am a student, again, negotiable. Benificial to me only so how can I justify the time to continue?

Also,I am a housekeeper (same as wife, I hear you say... NOT SO). This is one area that is a constant source of anxiety and turmoil for me. I completely resent housework, which is good since I have zero time to devote to it. Too bad it is non-negotiable. Or is it? If I had a job that paid money I could pay someone to do it so this is negotiable after all.

Also, I am an errand runner? I don't mind this actually. Its the only time its quiet and I have full control of the environment inside my vehicle (unless of course the kids are with me).

Also, I am an animal caretaker. This is negotiable but I am a compassionate animal owner and glean peace and happiness from my animals so, really, this is non-negotiable.

Also, I am a Nursemaid which is really just mother. So non-negotiable.

Bottom line? The roles that are optional are mostly the ones that are of the most benefit to me personally, unfortunately. Band Leader, Student and Housekeeper (not included in the "benificial to me only" category) and I think I'm going to add wife to this list. I would rather be a partner than a wife to be honest. Perhaps my own idea of  "wife" has contributed to my own burnout. So perhaps my role as "wife" is the starting point. Am I a victim of years of conditioning and examples of what it means to be a wife? Probably, as are many of you who are reading this. This not my husband's fault and truth be told, he will be more fullfilled with a partner that he ever was with a doormat yeswoman.

I'll close this rant with a quote that sums it all up...

...revolutions always mean the breakdown of old authority. ~Hu Shih

And....

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you free to live your own life within this partnership. ~ melody hall-fuller (in a conversation with herself)