Surviving Abdominal Hysterectomy with Geeky Flair

        March 15th I had an abdominal hysterectomy. Because of 2 very large tumors they had to make a 10" incision across my belly. Of course, it had to be done the hard way. I'm 43 years old and for over 32 years I've spent at least 25% of that time in misery due the horrifying antics of that monthly thing we all hate. That's 1 week out of every 4 for you lucky boys who have 4 weeks of the good life every month. When it came time in my 20's for my awesome ovaries and uterus to make it all worth while and do their jobs and give me some kids, they flaked out. Which now I'm fine with, because I have 2 beautiful adopted kids, but at the time their failure made me want to impale myself on a baby monitor month after unsuccessful month. Hindsight, right? I would have had this surgery when I was 13 had I known  I would not be needing the damn thing. But I guess there's a positive that comes from 32 years of suffering. I can't think of one right now, but there probably is one. Maybe.
     
        Now its just a matter of recovery and I'm 3 weeks into it. I'm at the point now where you wish you were dead. The doctor took one ovary and left one ovary so I'm lacking a little in the emotional control department while my body adjusts. Ok, I'm lacking a lot. Well, actually I'm totally devoid of emotional control. This makes for interesting responses to TV shows and commercials and anything I try to read including things that are supposed to be funny, like Garfield or Peanuts. OMG! Give that poor cat some lasagna for Christ's sake! Pretty much its just a lot of crying for no reason whatsoever and then feeling stupid for crying for no reason and crying for feeling stupid for crying and then calling everyone and complaining about not being able to stop crying. It helps to play Halo Reach Multiplayer Matchmaking Swat. Every woman recovering from a hysterectomy deserves a good FPS. Seriously.

        Other than emotional wreckage, other bodily functions are similarly heinous. Sneezing is like getting hit in the nads by the Anthrax Rock n Roll World Tour bus. Coughing? Well that's not quite as bad, more like getting hit by a smaller vehicle, like one of those Cook's Pest Control trucks. Getting in and out of bed takes about 5 minutes each. That wouldn't really be a problem except that due to the swelling, I have to pee every 12 minutes. A total of 7 pillows that have to be carefully put back into position each and every time I get back into bed. The process takes longer than I get to stay in bed afterwards. My solution? Stay on the toilet until the second pee, just to save time and effort. To make this less boring, I have employed a Nintendo DS game system armed with the vintage Pac Man and Plants VS Zombies game, which I have completed about 5 times already. I also have a great Sudoku book my friend gave me for my recovery. I have completed approximately 40 puzzles so far.

        The real challenge though, is walking to the kitchen to get food and something to drink. My kids are in school and my husband is working during the day so I'm home to fend for myself. This is a double edged sword. I'm glad to be alone because I am literally the absolute worse company right now. But it would be nice to have somebody to bring me stuff. I should have thought this through and had a small fridge installed beside my bed. But I'm gaining weight so apparently the obstacles to the food are insufficient.

        I can't wait to get back to my job. Back to the daytime routine I had worked out for myself after years of being a night owl and struggling with mornings. Right now, my body has reverted to its natural sleep cycle which is 4 am to 12 noon. I have about 3 more weeks to get back on track, which is much harder than getting off track for some reason. And a lot less fun too.

        My friends and family have made my recovery much more tolerable. They have brought food out to our house in the middle of nowhere. Lots of food. Delicious food! And my mom has cleaned and washed and vacuumed and cooked and kept me company. My mom and my BFF took turns driving me to the doctor and suffering through lunch out with my emotional ass.

       The downtime has given me a unique opportunity to explore my thoughts and spend some time in silence. Something that I always think I need to do while I'm working and doing other things. Its like I had this feeling that if I could only get some peace and quiet I would come up with all the answers to everything and create some new way of doing things or new way of being or a new way of making money that I've never thought of before. Well, I've had 3 weeks of nothing but my own thoughts and I'm happy to report, there's no earth shattering developments in any of those departments. Now I can go back to work secure in the knowledge that I'm not missing anything by spending my effort there instead of inside of my own head.

        To my friends and family, I am forever grateful for your love and food. To Nintendo, Atari and Microsoft (And Bungie): what on earth would my life be like without you all these years. And to my uterus: its been real...don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.