Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes...Time to Face The Pain (and the joy)

Life throws us poop sometimes. Flying turds that seem to be heat seeking and accurate in their trajectory and they nail us just when we think we can cope with our circumstances. Lately (for about 2 years now) I've been dodging and hurtling some pretty nasty ones. I have to say I've managed to avoid a direct hit, although I have at times, trudged through the aftermath with poop up to my knees.

Now, just when I've recovered from a pretty hard surgery, my husband reveals that he feels that we are incompatible. Our relationship is more like a brother and sister thing to him and he sees a divorce as inevitable. Le Sigh...I don't disagree, in fact I've felt the same way for a long time. God knows I love him and I know he loves me but we are the epitome of indifference toward each other.

He couldn't be less interested and neither could I. We function together to take care of the needs of those who depend on us, but we have no spark or passion for each other and haven't for a long time. We don't have enough in common to enjoy spending time together and we are tired of hearing about each other's work. There are no dates. There are no plans, No vacations. No conversations. Just a cool existence under the same roof. Twenty years of marriage has taken its toll.

I had a pretty rough time the first couple of days once he was honest with me about us, but after that I started to feel some weird feeling rise up in my chest. It was vaguely familiar and I knew that I had felt it before but it had been a very long time. It was excitement... joy... the sort of feeling people must get when they know there's only a short time before they get out of jail.

I started making plans and getting things going and within 4 days I had lots of things handled that would help me navigate the coming turd onslaught. I seem to be dodging them with a spring in my step now! Much more adeptly than before and I'm moving so fast even my feet don't get spattered when they hit.

The best thing is, he and I are in mutual agreement and so far there's been no need to get ugly or threatening or weird about things. I think we can work this whole thing out and both be happier at the end of it all and maybe even be great friends after everything is sorted out.

Its strange that I can feel so weak and helpless recovering all that time and overnight feel like a lightning rod goddess with a magic lasso and an invisible jet complete with my own turd launching shit storm creating capabilities. Hopefully, I don't have to use those tools but it sure is nice to know they're there.

Being in the Now VIII

It's been years since I've written an "in the now" post. I've been through some weirdness and changed a lot of gears since then. I've slipped out of the routine of making sure I'm not lamenting the past or longing for or dreading the future. I'll just stop right here and report on the now...

Right now...

My 14 year old daughter is napping beside me, exhausted from being a 14 year old

My bedroom is still in "recovery mode" with the tv positioned on a sofa table at the foot of my bed, complete with 2 seasons of GOT and a myriad of xbox games (the only one that matters is Halo Reach)

My Buddhist prayer flags drape in 10 foot lengths from my light fixture to all corners of my room and sway softly in the breeze from my ceiling fan (Amazing what you can get on Amazon)

All three dogs are snoring, one at my feet, one to my left and one to my right

A yellow plastic basket sits on my side table as a reminder of how thoughtful friends can be and that I really can not only survive but totally enjoy a weekend at a cabin by a creek with no wifi, cell service, data or computer as long as my best friends are there to make me laugh until I'm crippled.

Right now everything is quiet, everyone is napping, the house is full, and still at the same time...an oxymoron.

I'm still in my pajamas and have no intention of messing that up

Counting today as a recovery day, I have accomplished nothing else but sitting here in the bed and I'm ok with that

There are wet clothes in the washer and I don't care

There are dog bed covers in the dryer and I don't care

The sun is beaming through a stunning purple and gold Star Trek stained glass window made by a very special person and infused with love an life (Thank you Jayne Russell!)

A huge peace lily is resting on the bench under my window, a reminder that I am so fortunate to have a great job and people there who want me to have living gifts that keep on giving

Right now, I'm trying to like my hair cut which my son said made me look like "a common house mom" whatever that means (I guess because its normal, which is not my usual MO)

I have a 2 inch strip of flesh all the way across my belly that still has no feeling whatsoever and I'm ok with that too

I'm happy. I rode the wave of post surgery psychosis and lived to tell about it!

Right now, the only thing that matters is that we are all safe, we are all healthy and we all have a place in the world and people that love us. I'm surrounded by the evidence of those people and I feel very special and fortunate that I was never alone through my recovery. 

Right now, I'm going to put on some music, cook chicken and dressing and sautee'd squash and enjoy my quiet "common mom" afternoon!

Surviving Abdominal Hysterectomy with Geeky Flair

        March 15th I had an abdominal hysterectomy. Because of 2 very large tumors they had to make a 10" incision across my belly. Of course, it had to be done the hard way. I'm 43 years old and for over 32 years I've spent at least 25% of that time in misery due the horrifying antics of that monthly thing we all hate. That's 1 week out of every 4 for you lucky boys who have 4 weeks of the good life every month. When it came time in my 20's for my awesome ovaries and uterus to make it all worth while and do their jobs and give me some kids, they flaked out. Which now I'm fine with, because I have 2 beautiful adopted kids, but at the time their failure made me want to impale myself on a baby monitor month after unsuccessful month. Hindsight, right? I would have had this surgery when I was 13 had I known  I would not be needing the damn thing. But I guess there's a positive that comes from 32 years of suffering. I can't think of one right now, but there probably is one. Maybe.
     
        Now its just a matter of recovery and I'm 3 weeks into it. I'm at the point now where you wish you were dead. The doctor took one ovary and left one ovary so I'm lacking a little in the emotional control department while my body adjusts. Ok, I'm lacking a lot. Well, actually I'm totally devoid of emotional control. This makes for interesting responses to TV shows and commercials and anything I try to read including things that are supposed to be funny, like Garfield or Peanuts. OMG! Give that poor cat some lasagna for Christ's sake! Pretty much its just a lot of crying for no reason whatsoever and then feeling stupid for crying for no reason and crying for feeling stupid for crying and then calling everyone and complaining about not being able to stop crying. It helps to play Halo Reach Multiplayer Matchmaking Swat. Every woman recovering from a hysterectomy deserves a good FPS. Seriously.

        Other than emotional wreckage, other bodily functions are similarly heinous. Sneezing is like getting hit in the nads by the Anthrax Rock n Roll World Tour bus. Coughing? Well that's not quite as bad, more like getting hit by a smaller vehicle, like one of those Cook's Pest Control trucks. Getting in and out of bed takes about 5 minutes each. That wouldn't really be a problem except that due to the swelling, I have to pee every 12 minutes. A total of 7 pillows that have to be carefully put back into position each and every time I get back into bed. The process takes longer than I get to stay in bed afterwards. My solution? Stay on the toilet until the second pee, just to save time and effort. To make this less boring, I have employed a Nintendo DS game system armed with the vintage Pac Man and Plants VS Zombies game, which I have completed about 5 times already. I also have a great Sudoku book my friend gave me for my recovery. I have completed approximately 40 puzzles so far.

        The real challenge though, is walking to the kitchen to get food and something to drink. My kids are in school and my husband is working during the day so I'm home to fend for myself. This is a double edged sword. I'm glad to be alone because I am literally the absolute worse company right now. But it would be nice to have somebody to bring me stuff. I should have thought this through and had a small fridge installed beside my bed. But I'm gaining weight so apparently the obstacles to the food are insufficient.

        I can't wait to get back to my job. Back to the daytime routine I had worked out for myself after years of being a night owl and struggling with mornings. Right now, my body has reverted to its natural sleep cycle which is 4 am to 12 noon. I have about 3 more weeks to get back on track, which is much harder than getting off track for some reason. And a lot less fun too.

        My friends and family have made my recovery much more tolerable. They have brought food out to our house in the middle of nowhere. Lots of food. Delicious food! And my mom has cleaned and washed and vacuumed and cooked and kept me company. My mom and my BFF took turns driving me to the doctor and suffering through lunch out with my emotional ass.

       The downtime has given me a unique opportunity to explore my thoughts and spend some time in silence. Something that I always think I need to do while I'm working and doing other things. Its like I had this feeling that if I could only get some peace and quiet I would come up with all the answers to everything and create some new way of doing things or new way of being or a new way of making money that I've never thought of before. Well, I've had 3 weeks of nothing but my own thoughts and I'm happy to report, there's no earth shattering developments in any of those departments. Now I can go back to work secure in the knowledge that I'm not missing anything by spending my effort there instead of inside of my own head.

        To my friends and family, I am forever grateful for your love and food. To Nintendo, Atari and Microsoft (And Bungie): what on earth would my life be like without you all these years. And to my uterus: its been real...don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Watercolor Art

Check out my Gallery at Redbubble.com

I've been experimenting with watercolor paints lately. Check out my stuff! Its been fun.

Must Read: Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda

You should get on Amazon right now and order Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. The digital version will cost you nothing! (Self-Realization Fellowship offers it at their cost and for digital it costs them zero). Regardless of your belief system or lack thereof, you will be enlightened, encouraged, charmed and blessed by the words of Yogananda as he describes his unique and compelling journey through life.

It may even be a life changer, and who couldn't use that? For free, no less! Many times, my stone heart was moved to tears during accounts of Mukunda's young life (Yogananda before his innitiation in to Kriya Yoga).

Yogananda writes with warmth and vividity, making his readers feel the chasmic depth of his devotion to his long sought after guru, Sri Yukteswar. The details of his youth leading up to the zenith event of meeting his beloved guru will be found identifiable by every member of humanity in his/her own search for meaning and happiness in this world.

Comforted and revived by the wisdom and countenance of his words, I have developed deep and unexpected love for Yogananda. At a time in my life when I had begun to question the existence of any god but especially a God as described by my Christian knowledge (a male human image, passing judgment from his throne and allowing unspeakable atrocities, even sending them himself as punishment and limiting his love to only those who were scripturally deserving), the truth of Yogananda's message that all of us are united under the same grand and non-human, non-gender specific benevolent Infinite Source was exactly the truth I needed to hear and the same truth I had naturally felt in my inner self from the time I was a child.

In case some of my Christian friends are rolling their eyes right now, the book is not at all anti-Christian or anti-anything. In fact, many times Sri Yogananda explains the words of Jesus and other prophets in such a way that even I can digest them, even agree with them and put them to good use. His words melt away the human lense that has caused so much false information to be flung at us through our indirect God experiences, ie: looking for the moon in the pond (reflection), rather than in the sky (direct experience). Zooming out to a place where every life form can be regarded as equal, significant, insignificant and Holy all at the same time is what humanity is craving, whether aware of it or not, myself included. Yogananda provides that rare vantage point but it comes in the guise of heartfelt and charming accounts of his own life. Through these accounts I was sucked out of my self-focused microcosm into a grand arena with a broader view of the cosmic landscape.

Dogma, doctrine and other man-made ideaologies are examined and exposed through the wisdom of Yogananda and his direct experience with the Infinite. Instead of conveying the knowledge by description alone, Yoganandaji encourages each of us to seek our own direct experience of the Infinite through the use of Kriya Yoga, an ancient meditation practice that is still not exactly clear to me (which is why I have decided to study his lessons leading up to it). Yogananda insists that anyone who applies this method (referred to as the secret key) in earnest can expect direct experience with the Infinite Source of All Life. I have come to believe that allowing one's Self to be directed by the Infinite Source at all times is key to effectiveness toward peace and happiness in the world.

In the days to come, I look forward to documenting my own successes or lack thereof as I stumble through the lessons from this great guru and apply them to my disasterous life. Those who are not seeking God experiences, already have God experiences first hand or those who never thought about it one way or the other; all will benefit from the rare account of Yogananda. So I encourage everyone to give it a read!

Today My Daughter Wants a Cat

My daughter, spiritually linked and obsessed with kittens since birth, has been given the opportunity by a well-meaning, evil teacher, to adopt a male, black cat. Excited beyond rationality, she calls me from home last night to tell me all the awesome details. "He's black and he's much younger than Cosmo (our other cat), he's already fixed and Mrs. Ezelle says we can have him and she'll even deliver him to our house!"  Her excitement is uncontainable. "You've been looking for another cat, mom, and you said that the Universe would send us one when we're supposed to have one and here he is!"

Now how could anyone argue with that kind of logic? I calmly responded, "I have not been looking for another cat! And anyway, if he's already fixed, he must be at least 6 months old, Katy, he won't get used to the dogs easily and he'll already be set in his ways. We need a tiny kitten. One we can raise with our other animals so it will not be afraid of them. Tell Mrs. Ezelle thank you, but her cat is meant for a different family."

Then she turns it on. For twenty minutes she put the hard core press on me, listing viamently the reasons why she needs this cat in order for the earth to continue rotating on its axis and the sun to come up tomorrow.

"We'll discuss it in the morning." I said. I had already said no, but then I said we'd discuss it some more. Amature. But it got her off the phone so I could continue my dinner with my friend.

The next morning, the first words out of her mouth upon waking, "He needs a home, mom, we can't just turn our backs on him! He's the cutest cat in the world and I know he wants to come live here with us. Mrs. Ezelle said he's very sweet and would make a great cat for someone!" Her face is red and wet with tears.

"If this is such an awesome, perfect cat, why doesn't Mrs. Ezelle just keep him?" I asked.

"Because she already has a dog, and because she's not home alot." Katy explained.

"We have three dogs and a cat and we're not home alot either. Would it be fair to this cat to bring him into our family under the circumstances? There is someone who needs him. Someone who lives alone, with no other pets or people. Someone out there is lonely and needs this cat. But not us!" I tried to reason with her, but she was beyond hearing it.

Quiet Rage stomped away from me in a ball of frustration. "You always say no, I knew you would say no, I don't even  know why I even asked you!" She yelled and slammed her bedroom door.

"I never say no! That's why we have three dogs!" I yelled up the stairs at her. I know just how she feels, though; a fact which makes me want to say yes. I love kittens too. Probably as much as she does. I would save every one of them if I could. But as it is, we are doing our part already with 3 rescued dogs and a rescued cat. Hey, I wonder if the pound has any baby kittens.

Be Here, A 2 minute poem

BE HERE

by melody hall-fuller

 

Anywhere you go

there you are

and if you aren’t there

then you should be

instead of wanting to be somewhere else,

get to the next place,

the last place,

any place but the place in which are standing Now.

Now you are here, or are you not?

Where are you, then?

Are you anywhere at all?

Maybe you are, or maybe not.

So go there or stay here

or be here or be there,

be anywhere as long as you're where you are

right now.

Right now

you are here.

You are the great I AM

So, be.