Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes...Time to Face The Pain (and the joy)

Life throws us poop sometimes. Flying turds that seem to be heat seeking and accurate in their trajectory and they nail us just when we think we can cope with our circumstances. Lately (for about 2 years now) I've been dodging and hurtling some pretty nasty ones. I have to say I've managed to avoid a direct hit, although I have at times, trudged through the aftermath with poop up to my knees.

Now, just when I've recovered from a pretty hard surgery, my husband reveals that he feels that we are incompatible. Our relationship is more like a brother and sister thing to him and he sees a divorce as inevitable. Le Sigh...I don't disagree, in fact I've felt the same way for a long time. God knows I love him and I know he loves me but we are the epitome of indifference toward each other.

He couldn't be less interested and neither could I. We function together to take care of the needs of those who depend on us, but we have no spark or passion for each other and haven't for a long time. We don't have enough in common to enjoy spending time together and we are tired of hearing about each other's work. There are no dates. There are no plans, No vacations. No conversations. Just a cool existence under the same roof. Twenty years of marriage has taken its toll.

I had a pretty rough time the first couple of days once he was honest with me about us, but after that I started to feel some weird feeling rise up in my chest. It was vaguely familiar and I knew that I had felt it before but it had been a very long time. It was excitement... joy... the sort of feeling people must get when they know there's only a short time before they get out of jail.

I started making plans and getting things going and within 4 days I had lots of things handled that would help me navigate the coming turd onslaught. I seem to be dodging them with a spring in my step now! Much more adeptly than before and I'm moving so fast even my feet don't get spattered when they hit.

The best thing is, he and I are in mutual agreement and so far there's been no need to get ugly or threatening or weird about things. I think we can work this whole thing out and both be happier at the end of it all and maybe even be great friends after everything is sorted out.

Its strange that I can feel so weak and helpless recovering all that time and overnight feel like a lightning rod goddess with a magic lasso and an invisible jet complete with my own turd launching shit storm creating capabilities. Hopefully, I don't have to use those tools but it sure is nice to know they're there.

Being in the Now VIII

It's been years since I've written an "in the now" post. I've been through some weirdness and changed a lot of gears since then. I've slipped out of the routine of making sure I'm not lamenting the past or longing for or dreading the future. I'll just stop right here and report on the now...

Right now...

My 14 year old daughter is napping beside me, exhausted from being a 14 year old

My bedroom is still in "recovery mode" with the tv positioned on a sofa table at the foot of my bed, complete with 2 seasons of GOT and a myriad of xbox games (the only one that matters is Halo Reach)

My Buddhist prayer flags drape in 10 foot lengths from my light fixture to all corners of my room and sway softly in the breeze from my ceiling fan (Amazing what you can get on Amazon)

All three dogs are snoring, one at my feet, one to my left and one to my right

A yellow plastic basket sits on my side table as a reminder of how thoughtful friends can be and that I really can not only survive but totally enjoy a weekend at a cabin by a creek with no wifi, cell service, data or computer as long as my best friends are there to make me laugh until I'm crippled.

Right now everything is quiet, everyone is napping, the house is full, and still at the same time...an oxymoron.

I'm still in my pajamas and have no intention of messing that up

Counting today as a recovery day, I have accomplished nothing else but sitting here in the bed and I'm ok with that

There are wet clothes in the washer and I don't care

There are dog bed covers in the dryer and I don't care

The sun is beaming through a stunning purple and gold Star Trek stained glass window made by a very special person and infused with love an life (Thank you Jayne Russell!)

A huge peace lily is resting on the bench under my window, a reminder that I am so fortunate to have a great job and people there who want me to have living gifts that keep on giving

Right now, I'm trying to like my hair cut which my son said made me look like "a common house mom" whatever that means (I guess because its normal, which is not my usual MO)

I have a 2 inch strip of flesh all the way across my belly that still has no feeling whatsoever and I'm ok with that too

I'm happy. I rode the wave of post surgery psychosis and lived to tell about it!

Right now, the only thing that matters is that we are all safe, we are all healthy and we all have a place in the world and people that love us. I'm surrounded by the evidence of those people and I feel very special and fortunate that I was never alone through my recovery. 

Right now, I'm going to put on some music, cook chicken and dressing and sautee'd squash and enjoy my quiet "common mom" afternoon!

Surviving Abdominal Hysterectomy with Geeky Flair

        March 15th I had an abdominal hysterectomy. Because of 2 very large tumors they had to make a 10" incision across my belly. Of course, it had to be done the hard way. I'm 43 years old and for over 32 years I've spent at least 25% of that time in misery due the horrifying antics of that monthly thing we all hate. That's 1 week out of every 4 for you lucky boys who have 4 weeks of the good life every month. When it came time in my 20's for my awesome ovaries and uterus to make it all worth while and do their jobs and give me some kids, they flaked out. Which now I'm fine with, because I have 2 beautiful adopted kids, but at the time their failure made me want to impale myself on a baby monitor month after unsuccessful month. Hindsight, right? I would have had this surgery when I was 13 had I known  I would not be needing the damn thing. But I guess there's a positive that comes from 32 years of suffering. I can't think of one right now, but there probably is one. Maybe.
     
        Now its just a matter of recovery and I'm 3 weeks into it. I'm at the point now where you wish you were dead. The doctor took one ovary and left one ovary so I'm lacking a little in the emotional control department while my body adjusts. Ok, I'm lacking a lot. Well, actually I'm totally devoid of emotional control. This makes for interesting responses to TV shows and commercials and anything I try to read including things that are supposed to be funny, like Garfield or Peanuts. OMG! Give that poor cat some lasagna for Christ's sake! Pretty much its just a lot of crying for no reason whatsoever and then feeling stupid for crying for no reason and crying for feeling stupid for crying and then calling everyone and complaining about not being able to stop crying. It helps to play Halo Reach Multiplayer Matchmaking Swat. Every woman recovering from a hysterectomy deserves a good FPS. Seriously.

        Other than emotional wreckage, other bodily functions are similarly heinous. Sneezing is like getting hit in the nads by the Anthrax Rock n Roll World Tour bus. Coughing? Well that's not quite as bad, more like getting hit by a smaller vehicle, like one of those Cook's Pest Control trucks. Getting in and out of bed takes about 5 minutes each. That wouldn't really be a problem except that due to the swelling, I have to pee every 12 minutes. A total of 7 pillows that have to be carefully put back into position each and every time I get back into bed. The process takes longer than I get to stay in bed afterwards. My solution? Stay on the toilet until the second pee, just to save time and effort. To make this less boring, I have employed a Nintendo DS game system armed with the vintage Pac Man and Plants VS Zombies game, which I have completed about 5 times already. I also have a great Sudoku book my friend gave me for my recovery. I have completed approximately 40 puzzles so far.

        The real challenge though, is walking to the kitchen to get food and something to drink. My kids are in school and my husband is working during the day so I'm home to fend for myself. This is a double edged sword. I'm glad to be alone because I am literally the absolute worse company right now. But it would be nice to have somebody to bring me stuff. I should have thought this through and had a small fridge installed beside my bed. But I'm gaining weight so apparently the obstacles to the food are insufficient.

        I can't wait to get back to my job. Back to the daytime routine I had worked out for myself after years of being a night owl and struggling with mornings. Right now, my body has reverted to its natural sleep cycle which is 4 am to 12 noon. I have about 3 more weeks to get back on track, which is much harder than getting off track for some reason. And a lot less fun too.

        My friends and family have made my recovery much more tolerable. They have brought food out to our house in the middle of nowhere. Lots of food. Delicious food! And my mom has cleaned and washed and vacuumed and cooked and kept me company. My mom and my BFF took turns driving me to the doctor and suffering through lunch out with my emotional ass.

       The downtime has given me a unique opportunity to explore my thoughts and spend some time in silence. Something that I always think I need to do while I'm working and doing other things. Its like I had this feeling that if I could only get some peace and quiet I would come up with all the answers to everything and create some new way of doing things or new way of being or a new way of making money that I've never thought of before. Well, I've had 3 weeks of nothing but my own thoughts and I'm happy to report, there's no earth shattering developments in any of those departments. Now I can go back to work secure in the knowledge that I'm not missing anything by spending my effort there instead of inside of my own head.

        To my friends and family, I am forever grateful for your love and food. To Nintendo, Atari and Microsoft (And Bungie): what on earth would my life be like without you all these years. And to my uterus: its been real...don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.