Being In The Now IV

Today was bittersweet. Bitter because I said good-bye to three people who have become very dear to me over the past several years, as one goes to a new appointment in another city and two others go off to college. Sweet because I know that blessings await all three of them. Bitter because their absences leave holes both in my heart and in areas of service where I have come to rely on their gifts. Sweet because now I am forced to be flexible and receptive to change, however uncomfortable that might be. That equals character building opportunites for me. My immediate nature is to panic, to greive, to worry over the uncertainties that lie ahead, to resist the changes that are inevitable and to doubt my own abilities regarding leadership, experience and talent. These are all issues that arise when the focus is placed on the future. So, instead I will place the focus where it belongs...in the NOW.

Right now...

My throat aches with held back emotion

I have school work to do that I'm too tired and too distracted to tackle

A Chihuahua vs. German Shepherd World Wrestling Championship is happening LIVE right behind my chair

My children are passed out in their beds, stuffed full of Easter candy and boiled eggs

There are 15 loads of laundry, minimum, waiting to be done

Something died in the wall between my bedroom and the kitchen and the smell is horrifying

My grandpa's Gibson is calling my name from the music room "Melody...play me, play me NOW!"

My re-heated Starbucks Pike Place is a total blessing

Tears well up, are fought back, then well up again

I am quiet

Now...I let go and allow myself to pour out the sadness that comes with hard good-bye's

Right now...it's perfectly acceptable to cry. I love you and will miss you all very much! Live long and prosper!




People I love gathered for Fred's farewell party at Tate Farms. Notice Jesse and Matt Kings of the mountain and Fred the solid foundation. Go and do great things! I'll never forget you guys!



Why I Watch Star Trek

For years I have been a Trekkie. Star Trek Voyager is my favorite of all the different shows that bear the Star Trek name. It doesn't get any better than a female starship Captain who loves the long forgotten hot earth beverage, coffee. "It keeps you sharp," she explains, when questioned by her coffee ignorant Ensons. I agree! Now, you may have noticed that there is a United Federation of Planets decal on the back window of my car and even a Klingon Empire emblem on the driver's side window (both Christmas gifts from my mom). Before you make your plans to impress me with your "you might be a dork" jokes...let me explain why I'm a fan:

1. The Enterprise is always clean and organized (no one tracks in dirt and no one has to clean up)
2. Women are treated equally (people are smarter in star date 2044535)
3. There is a nice low hum on the enterprise that makes me relax
4. Messes, clutter and stuff you get sick of looking at can be thrown in the replicator
5. You can have all the synthahol you want and you don't have to drive home
6. You don't have to think about what to wear to work (and you get to wear patent leather boots!)
7. If you need to know anything you just ask the Computer
8. You can communicate with anyone in your neigborhood just by touching your com badge
9. You can set your phaser to stun if you just need to warn someone to back off
10. You can vacation to anywhere in the galaxy with a short walk to the holodeck
11. There are very few stupid people aboard the Enterprise
12. The crew calls female Captain Jayneway "sir" (that makes me smile)
13. Everyone knows their role and exactly what their contributions are to the collective
14. AND all religions, races and customs are respected aboard the Enterprise

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. Being earth bound and limited only to those experiences which occur on this planet has always been a frustrating fact of life for me. Watching Star Trek can transport you to distant galaxies and introduce you to all kinds of species and cultures, all of which never fail to shed light on some human axiom that is proved idiotic by the end of the episode.

Star Trek is intelligent television. It teaches tolerance, peaceful coexistence and the prime directive,  also known as Starfleet's General Order 1, it's most important binding principle about noninterference in another culture's internal affairs, natural development and progression.  In other words, mind your own business. I could get behind that! (do not be tempted to extrapolate political ideas here, I am not politically minded or motivated). On Star Trek, all cultures are respected. What an awesome, albeit alien, concept that is!

So, live long and prosper. And next time you flip past Star Trek, give it a chance. You might come away with something you can use. What other show on television can you say that about?

This entry inspired by a hot cup of Earl Gray, enjoyed from my favorite new Star Trek mug, given to me by a very dear friend. Thanks for the cup, Fred, and for the intelligence you impart daily.

Meditation Frustration

About a year ago, motivated by high anxiety and stress, I started practicing meditation. The first time I "sat", I was so incredibly frustrated with it and with myself that I hadn't much hope of making it a habit. I figited, itched, repositioned my butt, my arms, my hands, my neck, my pillow. I couldn't stop my eyes from moving behind my eyelids. I could not go one second without following a train of thought to here or there; constantly thinking, thinking, thinking. My first session lasted about 5 minutes and it went just about like the above clip from Eat Pray Love. I could not believe the amount of activity on which my brain insisted. It HAD to work, figure, solve puzzles, bring up the past, plan the future, write songs (in the key of my singing bowl of course)...anything so it didn't have to be still. Becoming aware of how thickly layered my thoughts were was unbelieveably uncomfortable.

At the end of that first session, I was disappointed to the extreme. Instead of experiencing peace, perspective, relaxation and all the other things I was looking to gain out of my new meditation practice, I left the floor even more frustrated than when I sat down. It seemed like a job. One more thing on the list of stuff to do. Plus, I was not good at it. Not even just a little bit. Very few times in my life have I just epically failed at something I've tried. Meditation was just not for me.

Something in me would not give up on it, though. I needed to succeed at it for some unknown reason. So...I googled "Meditation for Dummies". I got all kinds of information with that search and came up with a few tips that I thought might help. That evening, I tried it again applying my new knowledge. I sat in a chair instead of on the floor. I did not judge and condemn myself for floating away in thought, I simply came back when I noticed that I was gone. When I needed to move or adjust or itch, I just did that and came back to my breath. I managed to sit for 10 minutes. At some point during this time, the tension in my shoulders and neck started to melt away. I felt the tension leave my stomach, too, and with it, anxiousness and worry. I slept better that night (or should I say morning) than I had in a long time and I was hooked. The next morning, before I did anything else, I sat again. Then twice more that day, each time only for 10 minutes or so.

Now, I sit for 30 minutes, 2 or 3 times a day. That is a miracle considering where I began. I can reach a state deep relaxation and thoughtlessness much more quickly and stay there for much longer without drifting off. There is a spaciousness that opens up. It feels like floating through the mouth of a cave and into bright, renewing violet light. When I first experienced this, I could only stay in that light for a few seconds. I would get so excited to be there that my thoughts would take over and I was sucked back into the dark cave. It took several weeks, in fact, to experience this at all and several more to be able to stay in it. I'm so glad I did not give up!

The benefits I have experienced are valuable and worth the time I spend meditating. I am more patient with my husband and children, I am more calm and enjoy my everyday tasks more. I sleep better and I don't worry as much. I've noticed that I am more tolerant of other people and am able to get more done in a day. What's the point, you might ask. Well, I don't know what the point is. I guess the point is, whatever you try, don't quit until you've given it every chance possible.

Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul. ~Douglas MacArthur

Being In The Now III

There are so many things that have to be done in the next two days. When I think of them (the future), I feel a panic-born knot in my chest. By Monday at midnight I have to address the following:  taxes, two quizzes, and an essay. Over the next month, I have to find a renter for our studio apartment, plan worship music for May while down 2 of my best musicians (permanently), put two kinds of eyedrops in a sick cat's eyes 3 times a day, say good-bye to my pastor and friend, make decisions about my education and carreer and a myriad of other responsibilities that are too numerous to list. Being panicked and sick over these thoughts is unproductive and yet that is the tendency. So, instead I choose to re-focus my attention to the present moment, the NOW. That is all there ever is anyway. It is always NOW. I can experience nothing outside of right NOW. So...

Right Now...

my children are safe, healthy and dreaming of candy, slides, goats and bunnies

the surfaces I cleaned yesterday are again covered with clutter

Nico is thawing my frozen feet that are tucked under his warm body

I am sipping reheated coffee leftover from Flint River Coffee Company (where I sat earlier this evening and talked and laughed with people I love)

I am thankful for the people in my life who give a damn...and there are many

I choose to give myself credit for what I have accomplished today rather than give myself hell for what I didn't

I am blessed beyond measure

I know that I will get it all done, somehow...I always do.

Right now, I am content to be in this place at this time. I long for no other moment than this one. This moment, this NOW is sacred and holy; it is filled with love...it IS love, in fact. This moment is alive, vibrant and saturated with possibilities. I breathe in NOW and breathe out the past and future until they no longer exist within me. My hostility toward this moment is melted away.

God is NOW, not some past entity that people talk about; dead and gone. Not some future event to anticipate. God is alive AS this moment. Thoughts are a veil that cover the Presence of God. Putting my thoughts aside is all that is required for God to be revealed as this moment. NOW I will love without limit. NOW I will be at peace.

Can I Get A Road Map, Please!

When the band and I are rehearsing, we inevitably have to stop because someone didn't follow what we call the "road map". The road map is a map of the progression of the song; for example: V1, C, V2, C, C would be verse 1, chorus, verse 2, chorus, chorus. I'm probably the world's worse follower of the road map.  Our bass player will attest to that because he is probably the world's best follower and the one who pushes the rest of us to take the road map seriously. And we should take it seriously, because it tells us where we've been and where we are going. It tells us how many times to repeat a line, verse or chorus. It tells us whether to do it quietly or what we call "full out" and keeps us from getting lost. Even more importantly, our media techs follow the road map when they put the words on the screen for everyone to follow. So, needless to say, it is crucial that we follow the road map.

Where is the road map for my life? This map would show each turn, each step and the end result of each road. Wouldn't it be easier to choose a direction if you could see exactly what would take place on that particular road ahead of time?! Using this map would make it much easier to avoid the detours in life that waste our time and roads that end in danger and loss. We could avoid choosing the wrong career, partner, house, car, school. It would be so easy, so obvious which road to take! I don't mean a vague, "here are the 10 commandments, follow those and your life will be great" kind of road map. I mean specific, intentional, turn by turn directions for every decision we must face.

No courage would be required of us. No wisdom. No knowledge. No ambition. No will power. In fact, if we knew the road map, we could pretty much stop thinking all together. All we would have to do is look at the map. That would be awesome! Wouldn't it? I wonder what would happen if everyone had access to a map like that.

There would be no character building trials, no lessons learned, no ups because there would be no downs. Uncertainty, however exhausting and frustrating is a necessity. I am uncertain about my career choice, my business decisions, my income, my health and even what to make for dinner! Although sometimes I feel like I can't make a decision by myself, I guess I'm glad for the not-knowing. I'm glad for the conversations with my friends about the possibilities. I'm even glad for the ups and downs.

A road map for life might take away the uncertainty, but it would also take away the things that make us who we are; courage, fellowship, inter-dependence, ambition and the mystery that makes being on this earth worth it!

Being In The Now II

Many of you know that as bad as I am at going to sleep, I am even worse at waking up. This morning I am feeling frustration arise from noise and what I percieve as chaos around me. To further my practice of being in the NOW, I think it is only fair to report on the NOW not only during the peaceful moments, but also in moments of chaos and overwhelm. So, right Now...

my husband is clanking breakfast pots and pans from the pancakes he made for the kids this morning

a little peanut-butter colored chihuahua is whining and crying to go out so he can run off into the woods like yesterday

the television is broadcasting loudly to its audience of nobody in the living room

the iris I cut for my new vase are spent

there is mud on the floor that I just cleaned yesterday

the laundry room floor is heaped with clothes awaiting their turn

and I miss my dead coffee cup...

 and now there is vacuuming with the worlds loudest vacuum

As an old Zen master once said, "Enter Zen from there." So I stop and breathe a few conscious breaths. I am thankful that my husband loves, feeds, washes, vacuums. I love the energy that my little dog has for life. I love that I have the power to cut the cord on the television and I am happy to have coffee in whatever cup the universe provides. There is always more iris.

"Some [sounds] may be pleasant, others unpleasant. However, don't differentiate between good and bad. Allow each sound to be as it is, without interpretation...relaxed but alert attention is the key." ~ Eckhardt Tolle


Sources:
Tolle, Eckhart. A new earth. (2006) Namaste Publishing. p. 241.