Meditation Frustration

About a year ago, motivated by high anxiety and stress, I started practicing meditation. The first time I "sat", I was so incredibly frustrated with it and with myself that I hadn't much hope of making it a habit. I figited, itched, repositioned my butt, my arms, my hands, my neck, my pillow. I couldn't stop my eyes from moving behind my eyelids. I could not go one second without following a train of thought to here or there; constantly thinking, thinking, thinking. My first session lasted about 5 minutes and it went just about like the above clip from Eat Pray Love. I could not believe the amount of activity on which my brain insisted. It HAD to work, figure, solve puzzles, bring up the past, plan the future, write songs (in the key of my singing bowl of course)...anything so it didn't have to be still. Becoming aware of how thickly layered my thoughts were was unbelieveably uncomfortable.

At the end of that first session, I was disappointed to the extreme. Instead of experiencing peace, perspective, relaxation and all the other things I was looking to gain out of my new meditation practice, I left the floor even more frustrated than when I sat down. It seemed like a job. One more thing on the list of stuff to do. Plus, I was not good at it. Not even just a little bit. Very few times in my life have I just epically failed at something I've tried. Meditation was just not for me.

Something in me would not give up on it, though. I needed to succeed at it for some unknown reason. So...I googled "Meditation for Dummies". I got all kinds of information with that search and came up with a few tips that I thought might help. That evening, I tried it again applying my new knowledge. I sat in a chair instead of on the floor. I did not judge and condemn myself for floating away in thought, I simply came back when I noticed that I was gone. When I needed to move or adjust or itch, I just did that and came back to my breath. I managed to sit for 10 minutes. At some point during this time, the tension in my shoulders and neck started to melt away. I felt the tension leave my stomach, too, and with it, anxiousness and worry. I slept better that night (or should I say morning) than I had in a long time and I was hooked. The next morning, before I did anything else, I sat again. Then twice more that day, each time only for 10 minutes or so.

Now, I sit for 30 minutes, 2 or 3 times a day. That is a miracle considering where I began. I can reach a state deep relaxation and thoughtlessness much more quickly and stay there for much longer without drifting off. There is a spaciousness that opens up. It feels like floating through the mouth of a cave and into bright, renewing violet light. When I first experienced this, I could only stay in that light for a few seconds. I would get so excited to be there that my thoughts would take over and I was sucked back into the dark cave. It took several weeks, in fact, to experience this at all and several more to be able to stay in it. I'm so glad I did not give up!

The benefits I have experienced are valuable and worth the time I spend meditating. I am more patient with my husband and children, I am more calm and enjoy my everyday tasks more. I sleep better and I don't worry as much. I've noticed that I am more tolerant of other people and am able to get more done in a day. What's the point, you might ask. Well, I don't know what the point is. I guess the point is, whatever you try, don't quit until you've given it every chance possible.

Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul. ~Douglas MacArthur