Breaking Hard Ground: A Commentary on the Writing Process

As I work on my first novel to be shared with the public in October, I am surprised that the writing process has very little to do with my own "effort" and so much more do to with just being willing to notice the truth when it appears in subtle ways.

Sometimes I hear people say that they get an idea so complete that it pours into this world like a waterfall from somewhere unseen and unknown. Mostly for me, an idea pours into this world more like tar; slow, sticky, messy and requiring much labor to force it into a form that will eventually lead to something worthwhile.

It is these tar ideas that are the most exciting and the most able to spark a shift in perspective both for myself and those who read them. These tar stories, however demanding and laborious, are the ones that grow me personally and spiritually during the writing process. Hardly ever do these ideas end up telling the stories I thought they wanted to tell in the beginning. Instead there is some larger truth that wants to be known through them; a truth that doesn't care what I started out to write about.

To be honest, tar is probably the wrong analogy because tar is man-made, lifeless matter. Perhaps tar ideas have to begin dead because of my own tendency not to recognize that ideas are, in themselves, living things. But once the tar is mixed with the gravel of my own experience a road can be paved that actually leads to something semi important even if it isn't alive.

But for the real truth, the life itself to appear, I have to wait. Just like wildflowers, real truth grows without actually being planted by any"body". In fact, this process has nothing to do with my own efforts whatsoever, except that I am open to seeing them. Not creating them. Not planting them or growing them, but merely noticing them there and then pointing to them so others can see them too.

Finally, wild "life" grows itself throughout the whole of my tar and gravel pathway. Those wild truths exist there on display against an unlikely habitat for all to see. A daisy here. A dandelion there. The hope is that they will be noticed and those who take the time to appreciate them will be a little better off for having had the chance to see. Otherwise its just a road.

Being In The Now VI





Peace is never boring.

After the wonderful time we had on vacation, it is difficult to narrow my thoughts down to this moment. I want to talk about the last week and the great time we all had or about the next few weeks. That's always the focus... What "was" or what "will be". What "is" gets the shaft. So, let's see what "is"...


Right NOW...

The ingredients for my famous homemade Chicken and Sausage Gumbo are waiting patiently on the counter
The entire family is asleep and the house is quiet
I hear licking and realize that Nico (big dog) is licking Subby (little kitten) who is curled up against him
Subby's fur is soaking wet
The "new to me" refrigerator hums next to me, complete with produce drawers that don't fall out when you open them
My desk is completely clean (even if it is because I stuffed everything in a box)
My "writing callous" on my left forefinger is going away, which tells me I need to write a new story (so I can bite on it and keep it alive)
Our new pool is sparkling in the dark, ready for kids at daybreak
The laundry is already starting to multiply
I wonder why I'm staying up late again
I realize that sometimes THE NOW is deliciously boring...

There are so many NOWs that I could be experiencing. Painful, uncomfortable, stressful NOWs. But this NOW is peaceful...quiet. Boring even. And how thankful I am that it "is"!

Wisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed. ~ Eckhart Tolle

Life of a Door

Solid behind my back, smelling of fresh oil base it hangs.
Is it happy to be here with me as simple rugged furniture,
Watching as I read or write or sleep?
Before, for a hundred years or more,
It served as barrier between rooms, between people, complete
With locks that none could pass without a skeleton.
Was it happy then? preferring to be opened or closed?
What tragedies or triumphs did it witness in its home as silent door
To bedroom, bathroom, study, cellar
Who were the many, glad for its selfless committment
To protect from sound and eyes
Or was it happier as a stack of boards
Or as logs ripped from their sedentary majesty
As trees
Or was it as seeds that fullfilled it most,
Tiny flesh, full of life inside their hard shells,
Or as their mother flowers, perhaps.
Or as light or soil or water or air.
I was there, too, at its birth and mine.
As light, and soil, water and air
And I will always be
As it will always be
A door to something, somewhere.
For Now, though, we will enjoy only
This kindred moment together.



Being in the Now V

Today was planned to be productive but apparently destined to be a day of rest. Sometimes what we plan and what we need are not the same. I could feel guilty about my 4 hour nap that was a result of falling asleep during my 30 meditation session or I could say "I must have really needed that, thanks be to the Creator for making it happen!" I choose the no guilt approach! But NOW I must pay...

Right NOW...

I am sitting at a desk with papers stacked up so high they will no longer stay upright

The breakfast table is smattered with books, clothes, wal-mart bags and sunscreen from the weekend, waiting to be put away

The bar is covered with bathroom cleaner, windex and febreeze (that did not see the light of day today)

The living room floor is covered with toys, kid's pajamas and an occasional piece of dog food that was not up to Mojo's standards

It's 2:17, almost time to pick up the kids from school even though it seems like I just dropped them off

Nico is barking to get back inside because the cicadas are so numerous in our woods that it hurts his ears to be out there

There are two cute little kittens squeezed against the front of the refrigerator, asleep in the warm air that's coming out

I have calluses on my left hand that I have finally developed over 2 weeks of excruciating "playing through the pain"

I have nothing to cook for dinner and no gas in the car

I feel completely behind on everything, yet completely at peace

Right NOW, I refuse to let what I did not do dictate the success of today. What I did do was productive, just not as visibly productive as what I had planned. I rested. That's right, I said it! REST is a four letter word in this house. My partner was never allowed it growing up. I was allowed too much of it. To much dream time. The world continues to spin, I continue to breathe in and out and the wind blows, the sun rises and sets. What matters is not that which I fail to do. What matters is who I love, how I love and how much energy I have to love. Everything else will fall into the place where it belongs...eventually!

A broad margin of leisure is as beautiful in a man's life as in a book. Haste makes waste, no less in life than in housekeeping. Keep the time, observe the hours of the universe, not of the cars. ~Henry David Thoreau

BURNOUT

All of the sudden, my cup runneth over and not with love but with stress. One word for it...burnout. According to my text book from the class from hell that I just finished, Pychology of Adjustment, burnout can be caused by one or more of the following: 1) role conflict 2) role overload 3) role ambiguity. People with role conflict issues are pulled in too many different directions. Everyone wants a piece of their time until there is none left for mental and physical renewal. People with role overload issues take on too many responsibilites due to the inability to say no and desire not to disappoint. People pleasing. People with role ambiguity issues have no idea what is expected of them so that they burnout trying to be all things to all people.

I plead guilty to all three counts as would most women I know if they were honest about it. I have heard people say "oh what a luxury it is for you to not have to work outside the home". Really? It sure doesn't feel luxurious. I'm exhausted from a never ending and ridiculous list of to-do's for which not only is there no financial compensation, but there is also no appreciation or sense of accomplishment (mostly because before the work is even finished someone is undoing it in my wake). What? Oh, I sound bitter? Well, maybe I am bitter. Why don't we expect the same type of consideration from others that we extend to them? I have no good answer for this question. Good girls don't make a fuss. Well, ok. I'm not a good girl then. Here's the truth:

We allow people to decide what we are to do with our time. Why do we allow this? Are we more comfortable as martyrs than as assertive people in control of their own lives? My role conflicts are probably the biggest problem. I am a mother, a wife, a band leader, a student, a housekeeper, a cook, an errand runner, an administrative assistant for Carlos's business typing estimates etc. as needed, an animal caretaker for 2 dogs, 4 cats and a horse, and a nurse maid to all who are sick within my realm. I'm tired. Seriously. A vacation, you say? With what money and with what time?

So which roles get the axe? Well...

My role overload (the very cause of the above stated role conflicts) is my own fault. It is my nature to want to solve problems for people not to mention that I like to be of value to people.

I'm a mother and I'm a good one, despite my own complaints about how ridiculously taxing a task motherhood is that most of you have heard me voice. As my mom says, "it wouldn't be so hard if you weren't trying to do such a good job." Motherhood is a role that is non-negotiable and one that takes the majority of my time and energy.

Also, I'm a wife. What does that mean? I'll let you fill this blank in for yourselves, another non-negotiable role nonetheless.

Also, I am a band leader. Aha! Finally a role where I get to put my gifts to work. Too bad it's a negotiable role.

Also, I am a student, again, negotiable. Benificial to me only so how can I justify the time to continue?

Also,I am a housekeeper (same as wife, I hear you say... NOT SO). This is one area that is a constant source of anxiety and turmoil for me. I completely resent housework, which is good since I have zero time to devote to it. Too bad it is non-negotiable. Or is it? If I had a job that paid money I could pay someone to do it so this is negotiable after all.

Also, I am an errand runner? I don't mind this actually. Its the only time its quiet and I have full control of the environment inside my vehicle (unless of course the kids are with me).

Also, I am an animal caretaker. This is negotiable but I am a compassionate animal owner and glean peace and happiness from my animals so, really, this is non-negotiable.

Also, I am a Nursemaid which is really just mother. So non-negotiable.

Bottom line? The roles that are optional are mostly the ones that are of the most benefit to me personally, unfortunately. Band Leader, Student and Housekeeper (not included in the "benificial to me only" category) and I think I'm going to add wife to this list. I would rather be a partner than a wife to be honest. Perhaps my own idea of  "wife" has contributed to my own burnout. So perhaps my role as "wife" is the starting point. Am I a victim of years of conditioning and examples of what it means to be a wife? Probably, as are many of you who are reading this. This not my husband's fault and truth be told, he will be more fullfilled with a partner that he ever was with a doormat yeswoman.

I'll close this rant with a quote that sums it all up...

...revolutions always mean the breakdown of old authority. ~Hu Shih

And....

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you free to live your own life within this partnership. ~ melody hall-fuller (in a conversation with herself)

Being In The Now IV

Today was bittersweet. Bitter because I said good-bye to three people who have become very dear to me over the past several years, as one goes to a new appointment in another city and two others go off to college. Sweet because I know that blessings await all three of them. Bitter because their absences leave holes both in my heart and in areas of service where I have come to rely on their gifts. Sweet because now I am forced to be flexible and receptive to change, however uncomfortable that might be. That equals character building opportunites for me. My immediate nature is to panic, to greive, to worry over the uncertainties that lie ahead, to resist the changes that are inevitable and to doubt my own abilities regarding leadership, experience and talent. These are all issues that arise when the focus is placed on the future. So, instead I will place the focus where it belongs...in the NOW.

Right now...

My throat aches with held back emotion

I have school work to do that I'm too tired and too distracted to tackle

A Chihuahua vs. German Shepherd World Wrestling Championship is happening LIVE right behind my chair

My children are passed out in their beds, stuffed full of Easter candy and boiled eggs

There are 15 loads of laundry, minimum, waiting to be done

Something died in the wall between my bedroom and the kitchen and the smell is horrifying

My grandpa's Gibson is calling my name from the music room "Melody...play me, play me NOW!"

My re-heated Starbucks Pike Place is a total blessing

Tears well up, are fought back, then well up again

I am quiet

Now...I let go and allow myself to pour out the sadness that comes with hard good-bye's

Right now...it's perfectly acceptable to cry. I love you and will miss you all very much! Live long and prosper!




People I love gathered for Fred's farewell party at Tate Farms. Notice Jesse and Matt Kings of the mountain and Fred the solid foundation. Go and do great things! I'll never forget you guys!



Why I Watch Star Trek

For years I have been a Trekkie. Star Trek Voyager is my favorite of all the different shows that bear the Star Trek name. It doesn't get any better than a female starship Captain who loves the long forgotten hot earth beverage, coffee. "It keeps you sharp," she explains, when questioned by her coffee ignorant Ensons. I agree! Now, you may have noticed that there is a United Federation of Planets decal on the back window of my car and even a Klingon Empire emblem on the driver's side window (both Christmas gifts from my mom). Before you make your plans to impress me with your "you might be a dork" jokes...let me explain why I'm a fan:

1. The Enterprise is always clean and organized (no one tracks in dirt and no one has to clean up)
2. Women are treated equally (people are smarter in star date 2044535)
3. There is a nice low hum on the enterprise that makes me relax
4. Messes, clutter and stuff you get sick of looking at can be thrown in the replicator
5. You can have all the synthahol you want and you don't have to drive home
6. You don't have to think about what to wear to work (and you get to wear patent leather boots!)
7. If you need to know anything you just ask the Computer
8. You can communicate with anyone in your neigborhood just by touching your com badge
9. You can set your phaser to stun if you just need to warn someone to back off
10. You can vacation to anywhere in the galaxy with a short walk to the holodeck
11. There are very few stupid people aboard the Enterprise
12. The crew calls female Captain Jayneway "sir" (that makes me smile)
13. Everyone knows their role and exactly what their contributions are to the collective
14. AND all religions, races and customs are respected aboard the Enterprise

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. Being earth bound and limited only to those experiences which occur on this planet has always been a frustrating fact of life for me. Watching Star Trek can transport you to distant galaxies and introduce you to all kinds of species and cultures, all of which never fail to shed light on some human axiom that is proved idiotic by the end of the episode.

Star Trek is intelligent television. It teaches tolerance, peaceful coexistence and the prime directive,  also known as Starfleet's General Order 1, it's most important binding principle about noninterference in another culture's internal affairs, natural development and progression.  In other words, mind your own business. I could get behind that! (do not be tempted to extrapolate political ideas here, I am not politically minded or motivated). On Star Trek, all cultures are respected. What an awesome, albeit alien, concept that is!

So, live long and prosper. And next time you flip past Star Trek, give it a chance. You might come away with something you can use. What other show on television can you say that about?

This entry inspired by a hot cup of Earl Gray, enjoyed from my favorite new Star Trek mug, given to me by a very dear friend. Thanks for the cup, Fred, and for the intelligence you impart daily.

Meditation Frustration

About a year ago, motivated by high anxiety and stress, I started practicing meditation. The first time I "sat", I was so incredibly frustrated with it and with myself that I hadn't much hope of making it a habit. I figited, itched, repositioned my butt, my arms, my hands, my neck, my pillow. I couldn't stop my eyes from moving behind my eyelids. I could not go one second without following a train of thought to here or there; constantly thinking, thinking, thinking. My first session lasted about 5 minutes and it went just about like the above clip from Eat Pray Love. I could not believe the amount of activity on which my brain insisted. It HAD to work, figure, solve puzzles, bring up the past, plan the future, write songs (in the key of my singing bowl of course)...anything so it didn't have to be still. Becoming aware of how thickly layered my thoughts were was unbelieveably uncomfortable.

At the end of that first session, I was disappointed to the extreme. Instead of experiencing peace, perspective, relaxation and all the other things I was looking to gain out of my new meditation practice, I left the floor even more frustrated than when I sat down. It seemed like a job. One more thing on the list of stuff to do. Plus, I was not good at it. Not even just a little bit. Very few times in my life have I just epically failed at something I've tried. Meditation was just not for me.

Something in me would not give up on it, though. I needed to succeed at it for some unknown reason. So...I googled "Meditation for Dummies". I got all kinds of information with that search and came up with a few tips that I thought might help. That evening, I tried it again applying my new knowledge. I sat in a chair instead of on the floor. I did not judge and condemn myself for floating away in thought, I simply came back when I noticed that I was gone. When I needed to move or adjust or itch, I just did that and came back to my breath. I managed to sit for 10 minutes. At some point during this time, the tension in my shoulders and neck started to melt away. I felt the tension leave my stomach, too, and with it, anxiousness and worry. I slept better that night (or should I say morning) than I had in a long time and I was hooked. The next morning, before I did anything else, I sat again. Then twice more that day, each time only for 10 minutes or so.

Now, I sit for 30 minutes, 2 or 3 times a day. That is a miracle considering where I began. I can reach a state deep relaxation and thoughtlessness much more quickly and stay there for much longer without drifting off. There is a spaciousness that opens up. It feels like floating through the mouth of a cave and into bright, renewing violet light. When I first experienced this, I could only stay in that light for a few seconds. I would get so excited to be there that my thoughts would take over and I was sucked back into the dark cave. It took several weeks, in fact, to experience this at all and several more to be able to stay in it. I'm so glad I did not give up!

The benefits I have experienced are valuable and worth the time I spend meditating. I am more patient with my husband and children, I am more calm and enjoy my everyday tasks more. I sleep better and I don't worry as much. I've noticed that I am more tolerant of other people and am able to get more done in a day. What's the point, you might ask. Well, I don't know what the point is. I guess the point is, whatever you try, don't quit until you've given it every chance possible.

Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul. ~Douglas MacArthur

Being In The Now III

There are so many things that have to be done in the next two days. When I think of them (the future), I feel a panic-born knot in my chest. By Monday at midnight I have to address the following:  taxes, two quizzes, and an essay. Over the next month, I have to find a renter for our studio apartment, plan worship music for May while down 2 of my best musicians (permanently), put two kinds of eyedrops in a sick cat's eyes 3 times a day, say good-bye to my pastor and friend, make decisions about my education and carreer and a myriad of other responsibilities that are too numerous to list. Being panicked and sick over these thoughts is unproductive and yet that is the tendency. So, instead I choose to re-focus my attention to the present moment, the NOW. That is all there ever is anyway. It is always NOW. I can experience nothing outside of right NOW. So...

Right Now...

my children are safe, healthy and dreaming of candy, slides, goats and bunnies

the surfaces I cleaned yesterday are again covered with clutter

Nico is thawing my frozen feet that are tucked under his warm body

I am sipping reheated coffee leftover from Flint River Coffee Company (where I sat earlier this evening and talked and laughed with people I love)

I am thankful for the people in my life who give a damn...and there are many

I choose to give myself credit for what I have accomplished today rather than give myself hell for what I didn't

I am blessed beyond measure

I know that I will get it all done, somehow...I always do.

Right now, I am content to be in this place at this time. I long for no other moment than this one. This moment, this NOW is sacred and holy; it is filled with love...it IS love, in fact. This moment is alive, vibrant and saturated with possibilities. I breathe in NOW and breathe out the past and future until they no longer exist within me. My hostility toward this moment is melted away.

God is NOW, not some past entity that people talk about; dead and gone. Not some future event to anticipate. God is alive AS this moment. Thoughts are a veil that cover the Presence of God. Putting my thoughts aside is all that is required for God to be revealed as this moment. NOW I will love without limit. NOW I will be at peace.

Can I Get A Road Map, Please!

When the band and I are rehearsing, we inevitably have to stop because someone didn't follow what we call the "road map". The road map is a map of the progression of the song; for example: V1, C, V2, C, C would be verse 1, chorus, verse 2, chorus, chorus. I'm probably the world's worse follower of the road map.  Our bass player will attest to that because he is probably the world's best follower and the one who pushes the rest of us to take the road map seriously. And we should take it seriously, because it tells us where we've been and where we are going. It tells us how many times to repeat a line, verse or chorus. It tells us whether to do it quietly or what we call "full out" and keeps us from getting lost. Even more importantly, our media techs follow the road map when they put the words on the screen for everyone to follow. So, needless to say, it is crucial that we follow the road map.

Where is the road map for my life? This map would show each turn, each step and the end result of each road. Wouldn't it be easier to choose a direction if you could see exactly what would take place on that particular road ahead of time?! Using this map would make it much easier to avoid the detours in life that waste our time and roads that end in danger and loss. We could avoid choosing the wrong career, partner, house, car, school. It would be so easy, so obvious which road to take! I don't mean a vague, "here are the 10 commandments, follow those and your life will be great" kind of road map. I mean specific, intentional, turn by turn directions for every decision we must face.

No courage would be required of us. No wisdom. No knowledge. No ambition. No will power. In fact, if we knew the road map, we could pretty much stop thinking all together. All we would have to do is look at the map. That would be awesome! Wouldn't it? I wonder what would happen if everyone had access to a map like that.

There would be no character building trials, no lessons learned, no ups because there would be no downs. Uncertainty, however exhausting and frustrating is a necessity. I am uncertain about my career choice, my business decisions, my income, my health and even what to make for dinner! Although sometimes I feel like I can't make a decision by myself, I guess I'm glad for the not-knowing. I'm glad for the conversations with my friends about the possibilities. I'm even glad for the ups and downs.

A road map for life might take away the uncertainty, but it would also take away the things that make us who we are; courage, fellowship, inter-dependence, ambition and the mystery that makes being on this earth worth it!

Being In The Now II

Many of you know that as bad as I am at going to sleep, I am even worse at waking up. This morning I am feeling frustration arise from noise and what I percieve as chaos around me. To further my practice of being in the NOW, I think it is only fair to report on the NOW not only during the peaceful moments, but also in moments of chaos and overwhelm. So, right Now...

my husband is clanking breakfast pots and pans from the pancakes he made for the kids this morning

a little peanut-butter colored chihuahua is whining and crying to go out so he can run off into the woods like yesterday

the television is broadcasting loudly to its audience of nobody in the living room

the iris I cut for my new vase are spent

there is mud on the floor that I just cleaned yesterday

the laundry room floor is heaped with clothes awaiting their turn

and I miss my dead coffee cup...

 and now there is vacuuming with the worlds loudest vacuum

As an old Zen master once said, "Enter Zen from there." So I stop and breathe a few conscious breaths. I am thankful that my husband loves, feeds, washes, vacuums. I love the energy that my little dog has for life. I love that I have the power to cut the cord on the television and I am happy to have coffee in whatever cup the universe provides. There is always more iris.

"Some [sounds] may be pleasant, others unpleasant. However, don't differentiate between good and bad. Allow each sound to be as it is, without interpretation...relaxed but alert attention is the key." ~ Eckhardt Tolle


Sources:
Tolle, Eckhart. A new earth. (2006) Namaste Publishing. p. 241.

Death of a Coffee Cup

For my 38th birthday in December 2010, my friend Wendy W. bought me a beautiful Jonathan Adler, double walled, black and white paisley Starbucks travel mug. I loved it. Not just a little; it was an apendage. Over the next 3.5 months, it was my constant companion, holding for me a multitude of vices, mostly coffee, sometimes hot tea, always something. I hand washed it, hand dried it and put it to bed on a shelf by itself each night so that we would be ready to go together the next day. I had an unnatural relationship with this cup (those of you who know me may have noticed this, you can call off the intervention).

Today, as I prepared to fill it with chai tea for my ride to rehearsal, it slipped from my hand and shattered into pieces in the sink.

My reaction was unexpected to say the least. I was shocked at the sudden welling over of tears. I don't cry. And yet I was. Not just a little. Uncontrollably. As I became still and stared at it there, trying not to cry out loud, my family noticed that something was wrong. I was embarrassed at my reaction to the loss of a mere material item. I'm not a materialistic person. I don't wear jewelry, I don't drive an expensive car. I don't keep up with the Jones' (don't even know them). THINGS are nothing but things to me, so why was this so devastating?

The answer came to me as I drove to church for rehearsal. Sipping from my old zebra mug apendage, I realized that I had entwined that mug with a strand of my identity. I had made it part of who I AM and I had broken myself in the sink. I had become attached to a THING that I thought reflected my personality to the world without me saying a word. It was an egoic blow. A healthy one, which is why although it was painful, it felt good to cry. There was joy in it; a strand of my ego was broken away. And that is never a bad thing.

"Recognize the ego for what it is: a collective dysfunction, the insanity of the human mind." ~Eckhart Tolle

"Junk Shopping" is an Oxymoron

ox·y·mo·ron. noun \ˌäk-sē-ˈmȯr-ˌän\. plural ox·y·mo·ra \-ˈmȯr-ə\. Definition of OXYMORON. : a combination of contradictory or incongruous words.

Today, my friend Nancy S. and I went "junk shopping".

The focus of our journey was to find a piece of furniture for a very low price that Nancy S. could transform from junky to funky with a coat of paint and new hardware. Now, let me stop here and tell you that I have been a professional junk shopper for more than 20 years. I have clothed my children (and sometimes animals), decorated and furnished my home, stocked my bookshelves and decorated for every holiday earthlings have thought up so far, all with junk store "deals".

However, for some reason today I realized what an oxymoron the idea of "junk shopping" seems to be. Who in their right mind would voluntarily shop for junk? It is amazing to me that at some point in time, there were people who paid retail prices for the millions of horrific and flat out ugly items of clothing and gimcrap we sifted through today. I never noticed it before in all my years of "junk shopping" how many worthless things there are in the world, and they are all grouped up in one place; junk stores. I couldn't help but mourn the poor cotton that sacrificed it's life for some of the hideous garments we witnessed. And could it be that the people sorting this junk have lost their minds? Item after item, now chipped and broken, that even in their hay day were a joke, sat in a line of shame, embarrassed that somebody in the back room had the audacity to price them at $4.95.

After the third store, I wondered, "have the stores changed or have I changed." Perhaps I had been buying and wearing and decorating with ugly, outdated and worthless items all this time and my friends were just too nice to tell me. Though the majority of the heaps of items were without merit, digging through them did not go unrewarded. At the end of our trip, I emerged with a crystal champagne flute that matches ones I have collected (all from junk stores) over the years, 2 books that I had been looking for, a heavy square glass vase and a cute tee shirt for each of my kids, none of which cost more than $1 (not counting time and effort).

On the ride home I thought, "I wonder if  these items are as nice as I think or if they just seem nice because of their proximity to all that garbage." As a reward for our hard work, we stopped into the Pier 1 Imports and that's when I realized why I "junk shop". Everything in the entire store was beautiful, absolutely gorgeous and shiny new! No junk here! The problem is that I'd have to sell my car to pay for them. Suddenly, sifting through that sea of crap seemed more worthwhile and what seemed like an oxymoron now looked more like common sense. Since Nancy didn't find her project piece, I guess we'll have to go "junk shopping" again.  But for NOW I'm off to cut some iris for my new vase, pour a shimmering new crystal champagne glass full of root beer and read my new books while the kids' tee shirts get to know their long lost junk store cousins in the washer!

FYI

antic n. A ludicrous or extravagant act or gesture; a caper. Archaic . A buffoon , especially a performing clown

idiom n. An expression that means something other than the literal meanings of its individual words

Being in the NOW

Today was adventurous and encouraging. I aced a test that I have dreaded for 3 weeks and visited with people who take the stress away.

Over the last several weeks I have made it my practice to focus on the present moment. Thinking backward...thinking forward...these are processes that often lead to suffering. Since the only thing I can experience is happening now, it would make sense to be in the now. So, Now I am creating a blog where I will talk about what's happening Now. So...

Right Now...

there are three tiny kittens in the guest bedroom, curled under the belly of their kitty mom

there is a loyal German Shepherd snoring behind my chair

there are two beautiful children sleeping in their warm beds, surrounded by their favorite things collected during their 7 and 9 years on earth

there is a stubborn man asleep on the couch, who exhausts himself daily providing for his family

there is a black sky outside my door full of sparkling constellations (which despite their beauty, are ignored in favor of television, blogging and dishes)

there is an empty bed patiently awaiting my surrender

there is melody. breathing bergomot tea.